Scarves
by J.J. Smith
Summary: TW: major character death, suicide. Sebastian has a hard time dealing with his husband dying. M for mature themes, no sex here.


**TW: major character death, suicide**

**Scarves**

Sebastian had given Kurt a scarf for their first mensiversary. Kurt has always loved scarves. A big part of their wardrobe was filled with scarves. Every time he had to work late or they'd had some stupid argument, he'd buy a new one.

Kurt wasn't the only one who loved the scarves. Sebastian loved them as well, but for entirely different reasons. He loved pulling Kurt into a kiss by tugging on the scarf tied around his neck. He loved using scarves as blindfolds. He loved tying Kurt to the headboard of their bed or being the one tied up. Kurt wasn't always happy with the way Sebastian treated his scarves, but Sebastian was easily forgiven when he brought home a new designer scarf Kurt had been eyeing for weeks.

Lately, Sebastian has been starting to hate the scarves, or rather their transition from Kurt's neck to his head. He hates how those scarves would now forever be connected to the disease that's killing his husband.

Sebastian enters the all too familiar hospital room and is greeted by Kurt with a tired smile.

"Hey, babe, how are you feeling today?" Sebastian asks.

"I've had worse days." Kurt pats the bed, gesturing for Sebastian to sit down. "We really need to talk, Sebastian."

Sebastian ignores Kurt's last words. "The weather's nice today."

"Bas..." Kurt says sternly. "You've refused to talk about this all week."

"My hay fever hasn't played up yet; who knows, maybe I've finally outgrown it," Sebastian jokes.

"The chemo isn't working," Kurt states. "We need to talk about what's going to happen."

"It would be wonderful to go outside in the spring and actually being able to see."

"I won't have much longer, Bas."

"I'm such an unattractive mess in spring. I wonder how you can stand to be around me." Sebastian tries so hard to ignore what Kurt's saying. He doesn't want to deal with what's happening; he _can't_ deal with what's happening.

"I need to decide where I want to die."

Those words make Sebastian freeze up. Kurt hasn't used the D-word in weeks.

"I'm dying, Bas. You can't keep ignoring it."

"You can't." Sebastian knows he sounds like a child, but he doesn't care. "You can't die, Kurt. I won't allow you to."

"I wish it were that simple." Kurt chuckles. "I'd love it if it were that simple."

"How can you laugh?" Sebastian finally turns around and stares right at Kurt. "You're dying. You are leaving me here, all alone. How can you laugh?"

"It's better than the alternative," Kurt answers. "I don't want to cry anymore. I'm tired of crying."

"I don't want to be alone," Sebastian whispers.

Kurt gestures him towards the bed. He holds Sebastian as he cries. Kurt is glad that Sebastian is finally accepting the inevitable.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers to his husband. "I don't want to leave you alone."

Sebastian takes Kurt home the next day. Kurt is so glad to finally be out of the hospital. Sebastian takes time off from his job and he spends all his time with Kurt, trying to get as much as he can out of the limited time he has with his husband.

Kurt gets weaker and weaker. It's not long before he can't get out of the bed at all. Sebastian doesn't stray from Kurt's side for a second. He holds Kurt's hand as friends and family come to say their goodbyes. He brings Kurt his food, and on days that Kurt doesn't have the strength to lift the fork, he feeds him.

Kurt doesn't cry anymore; Sebastian cries enough for the both of them anyway but only after Kurt has fallen asleep. Sebastian doesn't sleep much; he's too afraid that Kurt'll be gone when he wakes up.

"Bas?" Kurt sounds tired, but that is not a surprise; he always sounds tired nowadays.

"Is something wrong?"

"I love you," Kurt says.

"I love you too," Sebastian responds.

"I need you to promise me something."

Sebastian knows that tone of voice. He's heard it a few times before in the past weeks, when Kurt spoke about what would happen after he died. "What?" His voice is shaking, the reality of what's happening becoming all too clear to him once again.

"I need you to promise me not to do something stupid when I'm gone." Kurt has learnt not to use the d-word around Sebastian too often, as it breaks his husband down completely.

"I pro..." Sebastian begins, but he's interrupted by Kurt.

"I'm talking about you ending your life," Kurt says. "I don't want you to kill yourself."

"I can't promise that," Sebastian admits. He isn't proud of it, but he's been planning his suicide since he brought Kurt home. He had though Kurt didn't know.

"I need you to at least try, Bas. I don't want to be responsible for another death."

"I'll try," Sebastian promises.

"Thank you." Kurt smiles at Sebastian. "Can I get a kiss?"

"Of course." Sebastian leans in and kisses his husband. It's a short kiss, interrupted all too soon by Kurt's yawn.

"I'm sleepy."

"That's okay. Sleep tight, love."

"You too." It doesn't take long for Kurt to fall asleep.

Sebastian, too, falls asleep, but not for a few hours. When he wakes up, his worst nightmare has become reality.

**One year later**

Sebastian is standing in front of his late husband's grave. His shoulder hang low and he has lost weight.

"I'm so sorry, Kurt." He eyes the tree that's growing right behind Kurt's grave.

He grips the scarf in his hand tightly and checks one more time if there's anyone around. Sebastian has visited the graveyard often and he knows that there aren't any people around this early, but he can't afford for this to go wrong. He knows where the thickest branch of the tree is. He's brought a folding chair with him. He's gone over the motions in his head often enough, and he's practiced tying the knot. He only has one chance at this.

It isn't long before he's ready to take the final step. Now he can finally be with Kurt again.

"I love you, Kurt. I know you'll forgive me."

**END**


End file.
